In Pursuit of Healing
by Dhei Puyaoan
Have you ever experienced hating yourself and the world so much that you didn’t want to move forward because you felt hopeless, even begging God not to let His light shine upon you the next morning? That was my situation a few years ago, and yet, here I am! God, who loves me so deeply, still wants me to experience His mercy, which is new every morning.
It was 2021, more than a year into the pandemic, and the world was slightly on lockdown. The work I was doing burned me out, my relationships with people were failing, and I felt unworthy as a missionary because I was ashamed of my past. I was not okay. I was anxious most of the time, with a constant fear of failing and not meeting others’ expectations. The only thing left in me was the knowledge that God is a good Father—never failing and always loving.
We often say that God is always fighting for us, but in reality, God also wants us to fight for Him. I mustered the courage to seek professional help and booked a consultation with a psychiatrist. After a few sessions, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. At first, it was liberating to finally understand what was wrong so I could do something about it, but as time went on, it became difficult to accept that something was indeed wrong with me. On top of that, I had to take two medications and attend monthly consultations, which were costly. At the same time, I had to keep working, as leaving my mission work was not an option. I had to function well while dealing with my own healing. It was a challenging phase because people often don’t understand what you’re going through, and I feared being judged and questioned about my ability to care for others.
I knew the enemy was taking advantage of my situation to pull me away from God, so I realized I had to fight back and take action. At that moment, I began to appreciate the grace the Lord was giving me. I had been so consumed by lies that I forgot His presence. Through all of these experiences, I’ve learned many things, but let me share three lessons that motivate me in my pursuit of healing.
The first lesson I learned is that healing requires being intentional. We need to actively desire healing. When we choose to heal, we will do whatever it takes to find peace. Being intentional about our healing means becoming discerning about what will help us and avoiding what will make us feel worse. This includes being consistent with medication and consultations, avoiding triggers, and building a routine that helps clear our minds. When we are intentional, we start to be mindful and take better care of ourselves.
The second lesson I learned is the importance of having a support group that will be there for you. This could be your family, friends, or the community you belong to. You don’t need to share your struggles with the whole world, but it’s essential to confide in those you know are willing to help carry your burden. The burden may still be there, but with others helping you bear it, it feels lighter. These are the people who will pray for you and celebrate your small steps toward victory.
When I first found out about my diagnosis, I immediately told my sister. I was hesitant to share it with our parents, but my sister broke the news to them. This brought our family closer together and more understanding of each other. We started avoiding certain topics to minimize misunderstandings and conflicts, and they became accountable to me as well. My friends have also been there to support me. When something triggers my depression, I tend to push people away and choose to be alone. But I praise God for friends who never left me and are willing to embrace me, even when I’m not doing okay.
The last lesson is that prayer is important. I’m sure you’ve read many posts stating that depression is NOT a result of a lack of prayer, and while this is true, we cannot deny that prayer actually helps. Prayer makes us courageous warriors. Yes, we may be wounded, but that doesn’t mean defeat; these wounds are meant to make us stronger. When we are struggling, we need God all the more. The sacraments—especially the Eucharist and Confession—allow us to see His goodness. So take time to talk to the Lord; He is ever-present and ready to embrace you when everything around you seems to be crashing. He is there!
It has been six months since I was taken off medication, and I’m grateful for this experience. Through it, I have learned more about myself and discovered what Jesus can do in my life. So, let us pursue healing and seek Jesus in our healing journey.