In my 36 years of the journey here on earth, I have come to realize that life is a brief happening. Life is short and fragile indeed, and that is why I choose every day to give thanks to God for the life that I am and the life of the people I loved. But just like any human being, I also have my weak moments. My chemo and radiation therapy have greatly impacted my mental health. Because of the adverse effects of my treatment, I became not only physically weak but also mentally and emotionally. It was also during that time, that I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
On my most exhausting days, I found myself wanting to end my life. I thought that to end the pain I felt, life must end. One morning, I woke up feeling so sad and I told God that I am ready to leave this world and join Him in heaven. I cannot bear the long treatment periods anymore and I did feel like giving up. I thought that I have already fought hard and tried my best to undergo all the treatments. As days went by, my self-pity intensified. I was also feeling the hardship that my loved ones has to endure because I am ill. I felt I am worthless and I am just a burden to everyone.
My Psychologist explained that my sadness and anxiety are consequences of the problem I was facing, which is okay because I am battling cancer. This would be a very difficult battle for any person. She also explained to me that somehow my aggressive treatment protocols affected some cells in my brain which could lead to me feeling down sometimes. Also, I tend to think in advance, which made me more anxious and uneasy. God has shown me later that I was wrong. Wishing for life to end just worsen the pain and exhausted my mind and body. I cannot end pain or stop loneliness by ending my life. I was missing the point. Even if I cover my mouth, hold my nose, or forced myself to stop breathing… every cell inside my body is screaming and wanting to be alive. The very life in me is throbbing. The more I resist it.. the more painful it becomes. I realized that I can’t stop life just like that. I can’t end my life just because I am in pain. I can’t end it because I’m tired. I can’t stop the life in me just because I don’t want to live and be alive. This is not the solution.I learned that for life to happen, I must be able to let it be. The pleasantness or bitterness of my life experiences depends greatly on how I perceive and respond to what life throws at me. When there are difficulties it does not mean that life sucks. I can have a more profound and meaningful life even when I am in my lowest and darkest moments.
My perspective on life has changed. I use to think of life only in terms of personal life, work life, family life, and even love life. Now, I know that I am the “life”. God’s greatest gift and miracle. To end the pain, all I needed to do was to be in touch with the life that is throbbing within me. By doing so, I am letting the miracle of life live. To consciously pay attention to this miracle present in me will take away all the sorrows and pain.
I choose to live life to the fullest way possible by allowing myself to enjoy the good side and endure the not-so-good side that comes with life. Dying is not an answer when life is painful and difficult. Living is the answer. Living well that is. Living to the fullest. Handling and managing life’s circumstances well with unwavering faith in the Lord is the best way to live life.
Life is a gift. But to live life joyfully and fully is a choice. I make it a deliberate choice to be alive… to value every breath. I know this is what God wants me to do. In living life with joy and gratitude, pleasant feelings occur and a peaceful mindset happens naturally. I am becoming a fulfilled life… filled with God’s love! To be grateful for every circumstance in life is my objective. To remain faithful knowing that God will never abandon me and that He will give me the strength I need to overcome any obstacles. To surrender everything to His will is what brings me peace.
Now, it’s crystal clear, I’m not just a mere surviving life. I am a thriving and joyful life. I am a miracle!