Does money bring value to your life? To some extent, maybe it does and it isn’t bad. We need to make use of what God gifted us with to live a decent life and help provide for our family.

Some may find opportunities right away, some just hope for their turn to come soon. Now, the question is, how much value do you think money brings into your life?

In the early years of my employment, I was in a rush to be financially stable and get to the top of the corporate ladder. I was driven with pride and huge hatred.

I entertained this darkness for many years until I found myself unable to sleep at night. Some nights my thoughts are about plotting petty revenge on my relatives who degraded me and my family because we did not have as much money as they had.

And that’s why I wanted a lot of money.

Adding to my adversity, I endured anxiety attacks every night for months, and whenever I thought I was going to “finally die” , I would apologize to God for being a failure—that I didn’t make it and I will die poor. Later on, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety which greatly affected my career.

Did I hate God? I was not sure. I still went to Sunday mass, confessed regularly and continued my prayer time. But yes, I did question Him. He saw how devastated I was, and yet He kept pouring more pains in my life. Why? After all my offered service, why?

Looking back, I realized medicines and therapy were just band-aids because my true healing started with forgiveness.

When one of them died, my husband went to the wake. According to him, my relatives were asking about me. I realized there’s no point in all of my hatred. My relatives had moved on and there I was stuck in darkness.

I cried so hard. I knew it was time to let go of the pains of hatred, and of pride that hindered my forgiveness.

It was surreal, like I felt the clouds opening up to me, sending rays of light. It was warm and light.

Well, deep wounds require God’s grace to heal.

It changed me from within. The memory of what transpired suddenly became blurry and their words were now fading echoes in the wind.

Money is still important but it is no longer my metric of respect, success and happiness. I learned that shortage of money doesn’t make me poor, but pride, hatred and envy will.

God’s grace is most visible to grateful and content hearts. There is also power in humility that free us from the pressure of worldly standards, and lastly, hope strengthens the faith.

I regret holding on to my issues. I am also ashamed for those times that I was praying for my enemies’ downfall, and for thinking that God will listen. Maybe He did listen but did not allow it because God doesn’t dwell in sin.

Life in God’s grace is very beautiful… I see it now.